There is no denying that parents love to praise their children out of love and encouragement. To speak the truth, I am no exception. When we see our children build a tower of blocks, share a toy, or draw a colorful picture, we praise them for their simple “good job”.However, studies show that these seemingly harmless words may be doing more harm than good, and shaping your child’s mindset in ways we never intended.
Years ago, renowned psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck conducted a groundbreaking study on the impact of praise on children. Children were given a simple test, and afterwards, they were praised in two distinct ways: one group was praised for their intelligence (“You’re so smart!”), and the other for their effort (“You worked hard on this!”).
Next, the children were offered a choice between an easy test and a more challenging one that would help them learn and grow. The results were striking:
- 67% of the kids praised for intelligence chose the easy task.
- 92% of the kids praised for effort chose the harder one.
When faced with a challenging task—one designed to guarantee failure—the children praised for effort worked longer, stayed more focused, and enjoyed the process. Those praised for intelligence, however, became frustrated, discouraged, and gave up more quickly.
Praise Can Build or Break Motivation
This study shows us a new angle: how we praise matters. It also highlights that we should not withhold praise, but offer the right kind of encouragement.
Montessori philosophy takes this one step further. Instead of evaluative praise like “You’re so clever,” parents and teachers are encouraged to give descriptive feedback. Rather than judging the child’s work, Montessori adults acknowledge the process, the effort, and the child’s experience. For example:
- Instead of “Good job!” try “You concentrated on that puzzle.”
- Instead of “I love your drawing!” try “You used a lot of blue here. What do you like about it?”
This kind of feedback fosters intrinsic motivation—the desire to do something for the joy of it, not to earn praise.
Dr. Wendy Grolnick, another expert in child psychology, calls inflated praise “undermining,” because it shifts a child’s focus from internal satisfaction to seeking approval. Children may stop asking themselves, “Do I like what I’ve done?” and start asking, “Was that good enough for Mom or Dad?”
What To Say Instead of “Good Job”
If “good job” isn’t helpful, what can you say instead? Here are a few real-life examples:
- Child dresses them: “That took a lot of focus and effort. You kept going until you got it!”
- Child paints a picture: “You used a lot of colors. What part do you like best?”
- Child helps with chores: “Thanks for helping fold the laundry. That helped me.”
- Child shares a toy: “How did it feel to share with your friend?”
- Child struggles with a puzzle: “Let’s look at what you’ve tried so far. What could you try next?”
And sometimes, don’t say anything at all. If your child is enjoying the moment and doesn’t seek your approval, let them savor their accomplishment. That quiet pride is a powerful teacher.
We all want to raise confident, capable kids who believe in themselves. But confidence doesn’t come from constant praise—it comes from real accomplishments, effort, and learning to navigate both success and failure.
Sumanta De is an educator. He has been teaching students for more than 16 years following the principles of Dr.Maria Montessori. He has a 7-year-old son and a 5-year-old daughter.
He is nurturing his children abiding by the principles of Dr.Maria Montessori. His passion for Montessori methods goes beyond the classroom.
Hence, he shares his experiences and insights through a dedicated Montessori blog and a YouTube channel under the name “NewChild Montessori”. He aims to offer valuable guidance to both parents and educators.
Education: M.A. English, Masters in Child Psychology & Bachelor’s Degree in Montessori Teachers Training